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| MESSAGE: | After reading the post by soccerfun,an 11 year old girl who is only getting to play 5 min. a half on her first travel team, I thought it would be good to share with parents a good book I read by Dr. Joel Fish called "Good Sports Parent". Some particularly interesting chapters that parents and coaches may want to read that describes something I have observed that can result from a child getting minimal playtime includes "How to tell if your child is trying to opt out of competition". Dr. Fish writes "Because young athletes often believe that "No one likes a quitter," children will sometimes fake an injury or develop physical ailments to avoid being judged by their teammates, coach, and parents. Some children will also pretend they are hurt if they worry that their parent will be upset if they want to opt out of a sport. While I strongly advocate erring on the side of caution when a child has a physical complaint, sports parents do need to know that injury remains the socially acceptable way to opt out of competition. In my work as a sports camp consultant, I see this behavior quite frequently. One boy begged off to the infirmary complaining of a sore leg every time there was a high-pressure basketball game but the rest of the time he was fine and willing and able to play." I wonder--do parents and coaches realize that sometimes they place so much emphasis on children participating in sports that they actually drive their kids to fake injuries??? This also has to make the kids feel as if they are not valued by their parents as people, not valued unless they compete. How desparate a child must feel to resort to this! Keep this in mind coaches, when you sit little johnnie out for all but 5 minutes of a game! And parents, be careful about allowing your child to be in that situation. Also--make sure they are competing at a level that is appropriate for their skill level so that they don't have feelings of inadequacy and they don't feel as if they are in over their heads!! Another intereting chapter deals with when it is okay to allow your children to quit a team (or maybe just change teams). These include: · Is being mistreated or abused by a coach or teammates · Feels too much competitive stress or pressure to win · Can't put in the time without having schoolwork suffer · Feels embarrassed or shamed by his or her lack of skill / Is injured or is in danger of injury, and *Practices hard but can't catch on to the game *Isn't getting enough playing time * Gives the sport his best shot, but simply doesn't enjoy the game I found the book very interesting--although sometimes it is difficult to read when you realize the parent Dr. Fish is describing is you. But, we can all learn from our mistakes and try to become better coaches and parents. I think one of the most important things we can teach our kids while they are in the midst of competitive sports is that we love them for all of who they are, not just the "soccer player" in them. Sometimes us parents get so caught up in sports that we make our children feel like it is the number one priority----and it shouldn't be! |
| Responses |
| soccerfan On 10/5/2009 8:38:25 AM If this post/discussion makes one coach or parent open a discussion with a child that ends up making the child more comfortable with their situation or gives them options when they felt there were none, then it is totally worth the inconvenience to you, Mr. Malone. For future reference, if you'd like to prevent this terrible inconvenience of reading what you call complaints (that actually appears to me to be a discussion) it is easy to solve---don't read it! The psychological demise of children in the name of competitive sports is no joke. If you could witness what I have in the last 2 years you'd feel the same way. Unfortunately I am not the coach or the parent in the situation and can do nothing about it but try to inform others and prevent it from happening again. The post from soccerfun made me realize kids playing only 5 min a game may not be an isolated occurrence.....and it obviously in some cases can be detrimental to the child. |
| Steve Malone On 10/4/2009 1:50:11 AM Can you folks stop posting the same complaints on (2) post? I can't remember that many threads as my hair gets in the way of brain waves. Wonder how much the great Dr. made to quote common sense? |
| cvthorn On 10/3/2009 1:01:20 PM I was going to reply to this "pressure packed" post but I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome or maybe its a broken hand. Coach!?!?! |
| states02 On 10/3/2009 10:46:37 AM Great stuff soccerfan! Soccer is a team sport that has taught me much more than how to juggle a ball or counter a 4-5-1 lineup. My parents were very involved with me in learning the game....no one played this sport when they were young! My parents and I now stay involved with my children. We use our knowledge and experience to guide them in their soccer play. Throughout much in my life, I didn't always see eye to eye with my parents, but at any time we could talk soccer. We still have long talks about the Crew and National Teams! It's a great sport and I belive that no matter what awards or teams I played on in my past I'd still have that thought. Big picture, for most kids, its a great way for them to express themselves, learn life lessons and share with their friends and family. What team they play on or how many goals they scored at age 10 is not that important. |
| ameil43065 On 10/3/2009 10:34:53 AM soccerfan--great response and you know you are a wonderful soccer parent! One thing to mention is we are talking about ages here. After 13 I agree it is fully competitive and sometimes kids don't get a lot of play time until they get better. But you know at that age they are starting to develop physically and mentally more strong than they are at age u12 and below. My daughter stands a full 5 inches taller than a lot of girls her age but weights a full 50lbs less than an adult.. she is 12. Okay, there is a big difference in children age 10-12 and physically kids may have not developed but maybe like soccerfun she has a drive to succeed and with a little encouragement, play time and the right coach she may develop into a great soccer player. I don't believe that below age 12 you can tell which kids will succeed at soccer, play in college etc because their is not complete. |
| soccerfan On 10/3/2009 10:14:11 AM One more thing, parents. Sometimes change is very, very difficult to children and they will resist it even if it means staying on a team where they don't get to play because they are comfortable with the coach and are friends with their teammates. Sometimes it is our job as parents to nudge them in the right direction because as adults we truly know what is better for our kids. I have seen a dad refuse to let his son play on his same baseball team after 3 years (age 9,10,11)because he felt he didn't get to play enough. The kid was furious but had no choice but to play on the new team his dad found for him-at age 12. The kid went on to be a 3 year varsity letter earner in high school and now plays baseball at a division 3 college. Had his dad allowed him to remain the team bench warmer, I wonder how different his story may have turned out. |
| soccerfan On 10/3/2009 10:07:31 AM The case that I witnessed of a child actually beginning to fake an injury---started after the child sat out of a few high level competitive games in their entirety. The only kid on the team who didn't get in at all. At the very next game the player developed a tummy ache after getting a few minutes play time and being yanked out, moved on to assorted leg pain, etc. It was obviously better in this kids mind to be sick or hurt than to have the coach pull them out after only a minute or two or worse yet, not play at all. This was at U12. I totally agree that this is a responsibility that lies on BOTH the parents and the coach. I absolutely see the point about the egos of parents and I hope that coaches do the right thing by the child and don't cave in to pressure from parents. But I've also seen coaches/club directors who refuse to turn down $$ from a persistent parent who has to have their kid on a certain level team. The coach/director is happy because he gets $$ and doesn't even have to worry about playing the player and the parents are happy because their kid is on the "prestigious" team in their minds. Everyone's happy except the kid! Parents--if your kid isn't getting a lot of play time--talk to them. Ask them how they feel about it. For some kids it may not be an issue---they may feel it is a challenge and is helping them get better to be practicing with strong teammates. Other kids may feel humiliated, ashamed, like they are letting everyone down, etc. It may depend on the kids personality--although I believe most kids will fall in to the second category. Plus, even if the kid is handling it okay--how is lack of playing time affecting their learning and improving their game? Coaches--before you take a kid on your team, even if you didn't get the kid you wanted because of our ridiculous try out system---I still think it is your responsibility to play them 50% of every game. I know this is hard, I know some parents will pressure you to do otherwise claiming they are on the team to win and since their soccer phenom is capable of winning they deserve to---but remind them that without this player you could not have a team and they deserve to play, too. I have had my kids on several teams in the past where the bottom player on the roster was a huge disparity in talent level and the parents cringed whenever they were on the line to sub in. But you know what? It was amazing how much these players improved once they knew their coach had confidence in them and they were a part of the team. I've seen kids go from bench warmer to beating out former teammates to move up to A level teams. That is why they ALL deserve a chance and if you cannot give it to them, do not put them on your team. |
| ameil43065 On 10/3/2009 6:26:01 AM States2 and Rick. Okay, I am still confused, what select team does not have more than one level? There is usually a a,b, and c. I do understand the issue with the children committing to a team and then dropping out issue whereby you accept children that may not play at that level. That to me though is the sign of a unprofessionally run team. SEcond, the game is for kids and not adults isn't it.... why would you not want to develop children age 12 and below and instead only worry about winning? I predict the teams that you coach are belong to are just barely hanging on if you have to settle for placing children that don't have the skill set into team divisions that they don't belong. |
| states02 On 10/2/2009 10:29:36 PM Glad to see not everyone disagrees with me! Maybe there is a problem with what the parents believe and what the coaches and clubs are offering. First, it is completely a parents choice. 1)Why are you trying out for "A" Club? There is generally 2-3 select and/or club teams in any area of town and most have A,B & C levels. Plus most every area has a rec league where fun and equality are stressed. Every player gets equal time and is rewarded equally at the end of the season. 2)Be realistic to your childs talent and ability. If your child is a great u11 rec player in the spring, they are probably not an A level Club player for the fall. Some kids have been exposed to great competition and training starting at age 8 and will be ahead of your child. Plain and simple. 3)You are paying for this, do your research and use common sense! Who's the coach/trainer for your kids team? What are his team goals? Club goals? If it's to win States or specific tourneys, you should realize this is probably not the best place to play if your goals are for equal play. You will, with some groups, potentially pay upwards of $1k per season for your childs team. This will not guarantee you anything! No High school awards, no college scholarships and no equal play! Maybe the coaches don't openly say these things. They offer a service for a price. The better the results the higher the price. Just like every investment you make it's up you to do your research. I know this is way off of the subject posted, sorry. By the way, I've read the book and although I'm not a complete believer in everything is speaks on, I think it's a good read. |
| Rick On 10/2/2009 5:16:55 PM Amelia, parents do have a say, And a lot of the time they choose the club that best suits their ego. What big names are affiliated with the club (former or current player, or my favorite one, talks with an accent from a far away land that you think you’ve heard of? It’s up to the parent to research the club. Some big clubs sale parent ego to “we play in buckeye premiere”. Go look at there stats online. You’ll find out there are a lot of parents being suckered. There in buckeye premiere and they’ve got a super coach from a far off land, and they aren’t even competitive. “Well at least they’re in buckeye premiere right.” Ego will never allow us to place our child and team properly in a competitive division. I hate to second the big bad coach theory, but when people pay lots of money into the club, they want results from their investment. Better players will receive more playing time, mostly in tournaments. Again the coaches have egos to fulfill, or they may not have a team next season. Let’s not forget there are leagues that give all kids fair playing time and cost a lot less. You moved to club soccer because you were tired of seeing your superstar do all the work for the kids that weren’t any good. So teach your kids to work, practice and play hard, while still loving the game and everything else will fall into place. As far as coaches placing players in the proper divisions. They try really hard to do their best but there are lots of factors that go into it. One problem again is parents. Parents commit to 3 teams and call the lesser 2 back and say sorry. Well those roster spots that you reserved for yourself cost other kids a spot. So now the coach has to scramble to make his roster. Call lower kids up, maybe get a bottom roster player on the upper division team down, wonder how that phone call goes. Sorry Jon has been moved down. What’s that, you are going to reconsider your commitment. Let me know. And it starts all over again. Some teams make it, some fold. There’s a lot more that can be said of all this but we have a good start. Kick away. |
| CAFC On 10/2/2009 4:25:25 PM States, I am afraid you do sound like the big bad coach. These are children not professionals, they are there to learn. It is YOUR responsibility to place the child with the correct team and level of play. When they become teenagers I agree with the competition statement. Parents who pay a lot of money for professional training expect the clubs to do what is best for their child. The parents are the clients of the clubs and as such the clubs and coaches should consider how they treat their clients. In business if clients were treated in this manner they would be fired. |
| ameil43065 On 10/2/2009 3:50:34 PM states02. Are you saying that parents have a say at what level their child is placed in select soccer; I thought the coaches/club made that decision solely during tryouts based on the childs performance? If the club places a child on the "A" team after tryouts you would hope that the club knows that child is able to play at that level. A club/coach owe it to children to have equal playing time especially at age 11 which is the development age. I agree with you in that this girl probably needs to look for another more professionally run club to be a part of in the future. |
| states02 On 10/2/2009 11:46:23 AM I hate to sound like the big bad coach in all this. But as a parent and former player also. What I've seen is that parents want little Jonnie or Jill to play with "Club A" because they are the best. Then complain when their child isn't first off the bench. There are many many teams out there where children can participate, learn the game and enjoy their sport. Some players and parents are able to compete at a higher level and pay for "suposed" higher training. At that point it is competitive soccer and the best players will receive the greater of playing time. This is a true lesson of life. The most educated will generally make the most money. I feel really bad for that young girl and hope that her parents help her to become a better player and understand dissapointment, because it's a fact of life that soccer can help teach her. The readers are right that if this is a issue for her that she needs to find another team. |
| isotopesforbreakfast On 10/1/2009 12:24:38 PM Thanks soccerfan, for a provocative post. I must say that the idea of kids faking injury in order to shield the guilt of not wanting to play is new to me. This says to me that I should revisit my own motives every once in a while, to ensure that they are consistent with those of my child. Regardless the sport or activity, actually. So I asked myself, how I would feel if my child told me outright he/she is giving up the game. I also asked my child the same thing, although from a different angle: If you decided, all of a sudden, to give up soccer, could you tell me? What do you think I would feel? And this to a child who is uber-dedicated to the sport. At first s\he could not even wrap his brain around the hypothetical..."But I don't want to quit!" But he did admit that he worried about my reaction...suggesting that I (and my motives) are more complicit than I was willing to believe. So it seems to me that very few parent/child relationships are devoid of this dynamic, and likewise very few are build solely upon it. Rather most are probably somewhere along a continuum from "little impact" to "too much impact". And most, mine included, could use a refresher in introspection. Thanks for the helpful and timely post! |
| soccer24/7 On 10/1/2009 10:27:42 AM I guess it can be blamed on the clubs as well. I know some clubs will promise this Philosophy and deliver a different Philosophy. |
| CAFC On 9/30/2009 3:57:28 PM Thanks for the insight. It is interesting that no coaches responded to the post from the child with little playing time. It is sad that winning is more important than the children’s learning and well being. Maybe coaches clinics need to put more emphasis on child psychology. And maybe coaches who are more interested in winning than developing should coach older children who already have the skills ? |
| ameil43065 On 9/30/2009 11:07:22 AM great article. My heart goes out to the soccerfun too. Its a tough decision as parents to know and evaluate situations are kids are in, knowing when you should say something to the coach or when you should let the child work it out. I guess it would depend on the age I guess. What a tough situation she is in.. |